A New Year, A New Me

I'm not going to even awknowledge that past. I will leave it at that.



Ok, that's not me to just leave it at that. But, all I will tell you is that I have been through so much more than I ever imagined with him. Just when it couldn't get worse. I have seen through him for once in our three year relationship. He is not the man I feel in love with. Violence, partying, girls-yes I said girls, and a lack of ambition to save my dying heart is all that has corrupted him. OOO my poor dying heart. Enough of that.

I am taking my 2010 New Year's resolution very serious. Normally I would think what fun I will have on that night only, I have full intent of making and keeping them!!

I have started a list (please no judgements):

• Eat healthier. OK, ok, this one may not come true, but I will try.
• Be wiser. What I mean is think of what my actions will do to me 2 minutes after I have made them; think them through.
• Be a doer. Plain and simple when I say I'm going to do something, well dammit I will do it right then and there!!!!!!
• Find my dreams. From this whole experience with you know who, I have come to realize that my dreams are in the midst of a forest and I will find them myself. (I'm trying to be more profound these days.) And I will admit, as much as it may seem weird, but I will continue to look at wedding blogs and houses for me and absters in the future.
• Write as often as I can on here. I can only achieve my career dreams by writing.
• But most of all, Love more. Smile more. Laugh more. Be more curious. Be more cautious. Be more proud. Be more humble. Be more silly. Be more mature. Be more financillay savy...and plain and simple don't spend ridiculous amounts of $$$$ just for a one night outfit!!!

"Everything happens for a reason".... NO IT DOESN'T!

Having a really hard night. I'm questioning the cliche "everything happens for a reason." For once I don't think everything happens for a reason. I don't think everything should work itself out on it's own.

I thought we were having a semi good weekend. We were talking civil at least and sharing jokes. That's more then most ended relationships could say after the first week of the break up. I so wanted him back. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to work this out-together. I wanted him to realize it with me next to him. We had a game plan, that we would re-evaluate "us" in a month and see where it took us.

He decided today that he didn't want me back.

I wish I could erase it from my memory. I told him [before this] that I will take this time to also think about me and what I do wrong. I told him I know I nag sometimes and would try really hard not to if he would do things the first time I asked. ( I have to always tell him because he seems to always forget when he remembers I asked him to do it in the first place which is why he gets mad) I know I hold grudges possibly more than anyone I know. I really need to stop that. And I'm trying so hard not to. I'm doing my part... but he doesn't want to do his... anymore.

I'm so hurt. How can I keep hurting? I thought crying for two days would finish it off. I thought I would be able to get through this "stronger."

It hurts to see Abi so happy around him. I know inside that it's good for him to be around us, because of her. We haven't fought when were together. Just when were apart.

Don't know what else to do. Once again, taking it day by day, hour by hour.


.......

The First Encounter

I saw him tonight. He was so nice to me almost made me wonder if he was in the twilight zone for not acting shady or upset.

I was at Target and saw him in the-I don't even remember where I saw but it doesn't matter. I walked up to him and he thought I was a customer. It was so cute how he looked up to me I had to give off a little smile. We chatted for a little until he had to help customers who were looking for some kind of Skull Candy Shirt. I obviously am missing out on the latest rocker gear. As I walked away, it was good feeling that feeling again. The feeling that poses a smile on your face no matter if a mom runs into you with her four kids taking up the entire walk way. I don't even know if he watched me walk away that long stretch towards the front but I like to pretend that he did. It will keep me going tonight and hopefully allow me to sleep.


My mom and I had a pretty hurtful talk tonight. Well it was hurtful for me anyways. Just something I didn't want to hear. I still have hope. I think she does too but just doesn't want to admit it now that I've moved back home. She doesn't understand that my heart is still his and probably always will until I decide it's not. I never don't want it to be. She did give some clues that secretly she does want it to work and does love him but again, I'm sure it's hard to see your eldest daughter in pain from the boy she loves break her heart. I can't imagine Abi having to go through this. I would want to take any pain she has and put it inside me. I can guess that's how my mom feels.

I still have some stuff left in the apartment. I keep saying I will go get it tomorrow or the next day. I really have no plans to get it. I want to have things there so my presence in the apartment will always be with him. It's my way of having him with me. I don't want to admit I'm gone or that I never have a reason to go back. Abigail gives me every excuse to go back but I want an excuse as a girlfriend. Maybe he doesn't understand that. I went there today to get my favorite pair of jeans (ya that's how much I love him, I left my ultimate pair there with him in complete trust he won't go berserk and throw them out). I noticed he organized and gathered ALL of my things so it would be easier to take. It hurt, it hurt A LOT, but you know what...you better believe I left everything still there and even made it a bit messy....

ughh I want it back

I want to turn back time. I never have any regrets but this time I do. My reason seems so petty compared to the outcome. I want him back. I don't know if he wants me back though. This might have been the excuse he needed.

He's a jerk.

I'm not happy, and I'm still crying. I'm trying to hold it in for work as my job is on the line. He is affecting every aspect of my life but yet I want him back.

He is a jerk.

His touch is soothing and would make everything go away. I hate him for making that my go to place and now I can't even go to it.

He is such a jerk.

Abs isn't with me today. These are his days. If we can't be together I want her all to myself. I was us to be back together for her to be ours. He wanted weekdays and I wanted weekends. I got what I want but I'm still not happy.

Ugh why am I still calling him a jerk.

His sister hates me and has nothing positive to say about me. He always listens to her and never listens to me even though I was everything to him. I would like to believe I still am. Having the feeling that I'm not that person anymore rips me to pieces. I can't say it enough... I HATE THIS. I want it back to what it used to be.

Even if he is the jerk, I want him back.

breakups hurt so bad.

all I keep thinking about is carrie bradshaw and mr. big. the only difference is we never had a wedding but we do have Abigail, our daughter.

This hurts so bad. I feel like not talking to anyone, crying until I fall asleep and sleeping until i wake up and realize its all a dream. I never wanted this. I need to demand it though; respect. I think i deserve to be treated fairly and to be provided for from the man of the house. He not only is her father but my boyfriend. I think he forgets that from time to time. That's why we are in the position we are in.

I can't do it all. I'm done being it all. I always cry like the heaving cry where i don't know if i will catch my breath and sometimes hope that i don't. Noone brings a child in to this world with the thought of it being raised in a broken home. I never had that so I don't even know where to start or how to act. I don't have and guidelines to follow in order to make sure Abi grows up a respectable human being. I just don't know anymore. I'm more lost than ever before. I doze off more than before to picture what the future holds, praying that there is a better life than I had before; a closure to know that this worth it-all the pain and tears. I know don't anything that is worth the humilty and sacrafice that i've given. That is why I have to look up and pray harder than before.
Dear God, please please please take this pain away from me. I know you hold my future in your hands but please help me during these trying times. I want to believe that you do everything for a reason, so give me the strength to get through this separation. Dear God please, please help me. Carry me through this in order to provide for the most important person in my life, Abi. God, carry me with your arms over the seas. Please God, help me.

Everyone tells me to be strong. What even is strong? Is strong not crying when you can't hold it in anymore? Is strong suddenly not caring for the one person your heart will always beat for? Is strong being able to go on with your life with no regrets of how things ended? Then if it is, I can say, I am not strong. I'm not strong enough to handle this.

I will keep moving with the guidence that everyday routines give. I will try to look forward with an open mind of a new beginning . In the mean time, I will cry and hope that brings a "stronger" me.

ry

My first ever

So this is my very first blog. Kinda exciting considering I've been wanting an excuse to write everything down and hey let's face it, it's much more enticing that homework! No really, I have been wanting to write stories and what better way to do it then through a blog!

Sooo let's see, I guess I plan on writing about different events that happen in my life, important people, and just a whole lot of ish of whatever I want.

I have a HUGE family, and when I mean huge I don't just mean an exaggerating of people who you never want to see but force to at holidays, who I will probably send my link to so they can read it. I know a couple might (thanks Aunt Judy) but other than that, it's kind of my way of talking to myself without seeming lost and totally abnormal.

So what interests me?? Well I'm totally scrafing (is that even a word?) down a Take 5 bar which is so delicious, writing, and thinking about Fridays so that pretty much sums it up. I will randomly post links to the left under my pictures of links that I love and think you might like yourself.

Thanks in advance for reading, and not judging my posts.

XOXO, ry

ps i had to upload a picture of the most amazing candy bar ever